The reason I haven't blogged lately is that I simply haven't had anything to say. And when I don't have anything to say, then I just sit quietly and wait until I have something to say again.
There are many reasons for my lack of interest in communicating with THE WORLD WIDE WEB, but the main one is that I have a bit felt self-indulgent rattling on about myself and my little world on this thing. Which is strange because I love peering through the windows of my friends' secret lives through their blogs. But for me it feels a bit affected. Maybe because when I attempt to convey my personal life in a short and pithy little blurb, some authenticity is sacrificed.
Another reason is that I am feeling stagnant in my personal growth lately, like I am not sufficiently contributing to the greater outside world in any significant way, and writing about my little inside world further emphasizes that divide. I want to DO SOMETHING. Not that I don't DO a ton, because in addition to being with Taters full-time I am hyper-productive with all of the cooking, sewing, cleaning, gardening, and knitting projects that I have lined up around the house. I mean DO, a la Meryl Streep channeling Julia Child: (Click on the image below twice so that you can see the full picture)
Another reason is that I am feeling stagnant in my personal growth lately, like I am not sufficiently contributing to the greater outside world in any significant way, and writing about my little inside world further emphasizes that divide. I want to DO SOMETHING. Not that I don't DO a ton, because in addition to being with Taters full-time I am hyper-productive with all of the cooking, sewing, cleaning, gardening, and knitting projects that I have lined up around the house. I mean DO, a la Meryl Streep channeling Julia Child: (Click on the image below twice so that you can see the full picture)
But Julia Child didn't have a child.
What a tug-of-war on your soul it is to be a mother to a beautiful child. There is nothing I'd rather do than watch him grow in nuances that most people don't have the opportunity to witness. His joyful expressions, his groovy dance moves, his secret language, his limbs slowly evolving from rigid and flailing to graceful and coordinated -- these are things that we have forged out together, one second at a time. I saw his face the first time he saw a shower of leaves fall from a tree in one big whirly gust, and it was priceless. It was like seeing the first person on earth to ever see the beauty of autumn. He spared no amount of enthusiasm. I know how he likes his eggs, where he wants his blanky, and what his favorite shirt is. I know why he hates his blue raincoat. I know who he likes to hug, and who he'd rather not. I know that trains thrill him and car-washes terrify him. I know what "ra-ra-hallo" means before he falls asleep. You cannot write the list of all of these things down on a piece of paper for a babysitter or nanny, no matter how intuitive they are. These things aren't just learned, they are felt. So it would be such a loss to leave him while I worked.
Not that anyone is asking. I have applied to countless jobs over the past year, and the only thing good that has come of it is that I've gotten nice large doses of humility and thankfulness in the process. Humility that I can no longer march into a job interview and leave with my starting date penned into my planner. And thankfulness that Chad so diligently provides for Tate and I while I restlessly twiddle my thumbs and figure out what's next.
Ideally, I could be productive from home and have the best of both worlds, but I know that to do this and to do it well is a dream that many women have, and it's not so easy. But I have a few things up my sleeve. I'll let you know.
Ideally, I could be productive from home and have the best of both worlds, but I know that to do this and to do it well is a dream that many women have, and it's not so easy. But I have a few things up my sleeve. I'll let you know.
